Provide effective feedback
Welcome back! This article follows a previous one I wrote a few months ago on how best navigate your work environment.
When I look back at my years spent in Human Resources, the most recurrent challenge between employee and manager is the lack of communication. Nothing very surprising if you look at how difficult it can be for a couple to communicate sometimes in private life, for 2 countries with different languages or economical interests to align or for 2 people coming from different social background or culture to understand each other. Communication can often be a huge challenge for both parties.
The lack of communication at work or miscommunication are at the roots of many conflicts. “Not clear”, “lack of transparency”, “I thought we were aligned…”, “my manager never gives me any feedback”, “I thought everything was going well and then…”. It is difficult sometimes to build a strong relationship with your manager or with your direct report, it requires energy, commitment, openness, patience, curiosity and tolerance. Much easier to go to your peers or HR and complain about the situation…which is fine by the way. But if you really like your job and you project yourself in the organization, it’s worth at least trying to improve the relationship. And if you manage to succeed, the taste of victory will be even better like every difficult challenge you face in life.
In this article, I would like to share with you a couple of very useful methods on how to provide effective feedback in situations like 1 on 1 meetings, feedback sessions, challenging discussions like performance review, conflictual situation, performance improvement plan, but also in private life situations.
Before we jump into those models, I would also like to make clear that the most important in those situation is to be willing to take a step back, avoid impulsive reactions and always have a goal in mind entering a discussion. And of course, you need to make sure the environment is conducive for those feedback discussions. And in order to do that, you need to…
Create a safe space
I know… you’ve probably heard that before and you may telling yourself (like me for many years) that this “safe space” thing is cliché and quite boring actually. Well, let me jump into a concrete example: the famous 1 on 1 weekly meeting between a manager and an employee. Picture the scene: the manager runs the meeting, asks the questions, the employee answers the best he or she possibly can. Week after week, the interactions look extremely similar to one another and everything is related to “what needs to be done”. Sounds familiar ? I call this the “To-do list” meeting. I’m not saying those meetings should not happen. The problem is when it happens all the time… like if you were in your private life always focusing on your to-do list and executing the tasks.
Back to our 1 on 1, there is nothing or not much about feelings, emotions, creative ideas, working and brainstorming together and understand why it needs to be done. To summarize those situations, interactions between a manager and an employee - and vice versa - may tend to be exclusively transactional - “I want something from you…have you done it?” rather than compassionate - “I know where I want to go and what my objectives are” but “I want to know how you feel, what’s your opinion and how we can work on this together the best possible way”.
Linking this scene to the topic of providing effective feedback, you realize that this will be very challenging for the employee in that situation to speak up and share honest feedback on how she/he feels, for example.
The animation below from Amy Edmondson shows us the way to creating a safe space in many work related situations including 1 on 1 or team meetings. Sometimes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Reading between the lines, I see vulnerability, open questions, active listening, leadership and leading by example, curiosity, openness, compassion, inclusive and “there is not only my way of doing things”.
Let’s now focus on the 2 methods I would like to highlight in this article in order to provide effective feedback. 2 very simple and effective methods: the SBI model (Situation - Behavior - Impact) more adapted to professional environments and the Nonviolent Communication, a process you can use in many life situations, including at work. Let’s start with the latter.
Nonviolent communication (NVC)
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a process of communication created by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. The assumption behind NVC is that “stress can be avoided by adopting a compassionate and nonviolent style of communication, in any situation”. There are four steps in the process of Nonviolent Communication.
1. Observations (without judgment)
This means presenting the facts we have observed. For example, instead of saying, “You often don’t listen when I’m speaking,” you can say, “In our meeting today, I noticed that you were looking at your phone.”
In that phase, you learn how to separate what you observe from your personal value judgments on that observation (in the situation above, the assumption might be that the person is not interested in what the other is saying). Reserving these judgments helps prevent the triggering of defenses, opening up the possibility for a constructive exchange that leads to understanding.
2. Sharing how you feel
“ Without management of feelings, we become prone to destructive behaviors” - Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman.
Once you’ve presented the facts and purely the facts, you can now immediately after express or listen (depending on where you sit in the discussion) to feelings with clarity and self-responsibility. In NVC, “what others say and do is considered the stimulus, but never the cause of feelings”. “Instead, it is how we choose to respond to these stimuli and our needs and expectations at the time that causes feelings to occur” (Rosenberg & Chopra, 2015).
When faced with a negative message from someone else, NVC illuminates four options. Let’s use the example of criticism I found online, “You’re selfish”:
Take it personally - “I really am selfish…”
Fight back - “I’m not selfish; you’re selfish!”
OR
Take responsibility of operating a change in perspective of how others’ words and actions affect your feelings.
Consider your own feelings and needs:
“When I hear you say that I am selfish, I feel hurt because I need some recognition of the effort I make to consider your preferences.” By connecting their feelings with their needs, the speaker makes it easier for their partner to respond compassionately.Consider the other person’s feelings and needs:
“Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?” . This response opens space in the conversation for the other person to express their underlying needs.
By practicing to use systematically options 3 and 4, the individual is empowered to take responsibility by making different choices when interacting with others. By making these different choices, they are more likely to understand their conversation partner and meet their own needs.
3. Express your needs
Going to this next step, NVC makes the connection between feelings and unmet needs in the individual. “These needs are common and fundamental to all human beings” (Rosenberg & Chopra, 2015). The outer expression of feelings, such as anger and frustration, are seen as indicators of needs, such as love and acceptance, that are unfulfilled.
In the third step of NVC, the individual learns to look inside themselves for these needs. The key in this step is to be as specific as possible to express how you feel. I’ll give you an example: you feel sad but, is it loneliness? unhappiness? hopeless? miserableness? Gloominess? By increasing the nuance of how exactly they feel, speakers then use this information to make effective requests from others. See below a list of emotions that will help in bringing exactly where you are emotionally.
4. State your requests
This final step is to make “specific, doable requests for things that enrich the requester’s life”. Requests in NVC are positive. This means requesting what you want, rather than what you don’t want. An example of this would be saying: “I’d like you to spend more time with me at home” rather than “I don’t want you to spend so much time at work.”
The most effective way to separate a request from a demand is to include in the statement your own feelings and needs. This requires being conscious of what you are asking for and why you are asking for it (Rosenberg & Chopra, 2015). The clearer your request, the more likely you will get what you are requesting.
Since NVC is a reciprocal exchange, it can be broken down into two parts: 1.) Expressing honestly through the four components, and 2.) Receiving empathically through the four components (Rosenberg & Chopra, 2015). The second part depends on listening abilities, which NVC views as just as, if not more, important than speaking abilities.
The SBI Model (Situation - Behavior - Impact)
SBI can be used for giving different types of feedback, as in these examples:
1. Situation:
Describe the specific situation in which the behavior occurred. Avoid generalities, such as “one time”, ”sometimes”, ”all the time”, “last week,” as that can lead to confusion and defensive reaction from your counterpart.
Example: “This morning at the 11 a.m. team meeting…”
2. Behavior:
Describe the actual, observable behavior. Keep to the facts. Keep your opinions or judgments.
Example: “You interrupted me while I was telling the team about the quarterly results,” instead of “You were rude.”
3. Impact:
Describe the results of the behavior. Again, because you’re describing exactly what happened and explaining your true feelings — and not your judgement — the receiver is more likely to listen and be receptive about what you’re saying.
Example: “I was impressed when you proactively brought that topic without being asked” or “I felt frustrated when you interrupted me because it broke my train of thought.”
The success of Situation-Behavior-Impact is enhanced when the feedback, which is one-way, is accompanied by an inquiry about intent, which makes the conversation two-way. This inquiry should be formulated with an open questions. By doing so, you create a discussion, an exchange and you allow the person to share his/her view and feelings.
I found online this visual which offers a great snapshot of the model (Source: The Mindmap blog):
You can see that those 2 models offer similarities. The most important one is that both approach explicitly help transforming the delivery of a message (feedback sharing) into an open discussion between 2 or more individuals. I personally find the NVC process more complete but eventually slightly more challenging to use at work. I’m more at ease to use it in personal life. SBI appears more straight forward and adapted to work situations. That’s my opinion and only mine. The best way to move forward is to try those models in real-life situations and decide which one is the most appropriate to your style and to the situation you’re in.
Interested about this article? Feel free to contact me.
