Past…Present…Vision

My mother passed away back in 2005, almost 2 decades ago. She died after battling against multiple cancers for 5 years.

Despite the loss of someone extremely close to my heart, actually the closest at the time, I did manage over the years to find peace, appreciation and some positive vibes in all of this. It took me some time to reach this feeling and this degree of spirituality. I also often realize how important it is to cherish present moments with the ones you love the most because afterwards, it’s simply too late, like the train passing in front of you without being able to get on it.

For many years after she passed away, I felt guilty or bad of not thinking of her more often. I was also very frustrated not being able to remember her instantely, to picture her smiling in my head, “on demand”. I was feeling frustrated because I initially thought I would be able to. I also felt sad because sometimes I would remember her only being sick, struggling and battling against cancer and her body destroyed by chimiotherapy. To sum up, it took me a long time to come to terms with my grief.

Then, I realized and learnt something important over the past years. It’s not how often, how much time you think about someone. It’s more why and finding what exactly makes you think about the person you lost, in what circumstances and, if possible, how can those thoughts can help you in some ways to become a better person, to overcome obstacles, to see life with a different lense, etc.

Here is an example:

I go running sometimes, and when I feel good, in shape, full of endorphins, I picture myself in the last meters of a triathlon race. In this vision (while I’m running), I’m exhausted, I’m close to the finish line, I suffer, I’m not sure I’m gonna make it to the finish line… and then, still in the vision, I think about my mother, I picture her smiling, laughing (she had this big, recognizable and contagious laugh) looking at me and cheering. Sometimes, i just feel her presence, like she carries me onto the finish line, like she is proud of me, like everything will be ok.

Funny enough, I’ve been competing at an amateur level in few races over the past decade (olympic distance triathlons, cross country skiing marathons and 70+km races, half-marathons running, cycling and moutain bike long distance races) and guess what? my vision became reality on a few occasions. During the most difficult and exhausting races I did, it’s like if my mother carried me up to the finish line, like she was there when I needed her the most, when my body was exhausted and my brain was telling me to stop.

It took me some time to get there, it took me some time to get those visions and to fully appreciate those moments.

And I have to say, picturing this vision while I’m running is a big source of motivation to do some exercises, have a more balanced life that I used to have. And the reason why I’m doing those races is for the challenge, a good source of motivation to train, because I like to suffer ;-) and of course because I might “connect” with my mother during those moments. And this mystical, spiritual (or whatever this is) connection is for sure giving me an extra level of push and determination.

This example is related to sport which is something I connect with, that I need to feel good good with myself, in peace. Now I’m thinking how can I use more of this experience in other contexts. I’ll ask my coach to work on that next time ;-)

We don’t know what the future will be, what willl happen. However, having a vision is important - projecting yourself into what you want to create in your life - and then back in the present, “now” in order to act, take actions and, therefore, make progress towards your vision. Finally, use the past (experiences, people, etc) to help you in that process.