Threads of Balance
“I don’t know where to start, I don’t know where this will bring me but I am excited” is often what I tell myself when I start writing a blog. This is also sometimes what comes out from the mouth of clients during our first discussion, especially when a career transition is at stake. Therefore, by writing those lines, I might as well discover something, make progress, decide to take a specific action, who knows ! ;-)
The end of the year brings to mind the events of the past 12 months: the highs and lows, the joys and frustrations, the tears and laughter. Time to look back ? Time to breathe and embrace the present moment ? Time to prepare what’s next? I don’t want to decide.
Eyes wide open, always learning
I have been living in Germany for five years now, and like anyone residing outside their home country and not speaking their native language, I am out of my comfort zone and still find it challenging to feel completely at ease in every situation. Whether it's at the doctor's office, when someone comes to repair something in my home, when I open a letter from the tax authorities, there's always something I don't fully grasp. Sometimes I laugh at jokes that I don't understand. It's quite disheartening, yes... but I'm certain I'm not alone in this.
I'm not complaining; I chose this life and I'm living it. I'm not a refugee forced to leave my homeland and start over with limited resources. Neither am I someone who followed a partner to an unfamiliar place, having to adapt to a new language and culture overnight.
My point is that I'm constantly learning. With eyes wide open, I encounter new discoveries at every turn because I didn't grow up in Germany and many things here are still unfamiliar to me, even after five years. The culture, the history, the traditions, the beliefs, the dos and donts. It’s like a habit, when you have it, it’s uncouscious, right ? Like driving a car. Once you have your driving license, it’s pretty smooth, especially on the motorway, especially when the road is empty. Well, I’m not on the motorway, and the road is far from empty. I must be vigilant at every turn, remain focused and attentive, and be receptive to criticism and feedback with every statement I make. Accepting that when I attempt to articulate a complex idea, it may not come out as eloquently as I envisioned. I’m not particularly good at this. I've offered some advice on learning a language as an adult in another blog post, but I don't always walk the talk. I lack consistency. Not because I’m lazy, I simply lack balance.
The neglected circle
Indeed, balance has been a recurring theme for me this year. It has haunted me—the balance between learning a language I have yet to master fully, developing my coaching practice, which includes acquiring new clients, traveling to meet people in person, collaborating with peers to foster a sense of teamwork, and, of course, fulfilling my professional obligations. Being present for my children, not getting distracted by emails or my shopping list, being a supportive husband and part of a couple, or rather, being part of a team where we find time to agree, argue, laugh, cry, and so on. Doing my fair share of the daily household chores. Whenever I dedicate more effort to one area, I am left feeling as though I am neglecting the others.
I forgot one, making time for friends, especially those who are far away, as it is the case for me. I’ve been attempting to forge new friendships near my home, which has been quite successful despite a rocky start due to the pandemic. But what about the old guard, the longstanding friends who live thousands of kilometers away at times? I actually have quite a few. Those friends whom you haven't seen for years and when you reunite, it's as if you spoke just yesterday, the ones in whom you have absolute trust, a safe space with no small talk, no barriers, just pure friendship. The ones to whom you can say anything, the ones who will come if you call them tomorrow, simply because you asked.
I've been average to decent in maintaining friendships this year, and it frustrates me. It reminds me of my school days when I was labeled as someone who "has potential but can definitely do better." Similarly, I have the potential to be a better friend, and I'm determined to achieve that.
An ex-colleague of mine posted this video on Linkedin the other day and it really hit me. Friendship is such a vital component of our lives, especially in an age characterized by busyness and constant demands. As we navigate work, family responsibilities, and the incessant flow of information, the importance of nurturing true friendships becomes increasingly evident. It is is so important and we don’t see it enough. As adults burdened with responsibilities, we often relegate friendship to the bottom of our priority list.
“All the mental health challenges we are facing, like coping with stress, depression, anxiety, addiction… friendship is the ultimate biohack that really fixes all those things”
It’s been a challenge for me to keep friends. Since a young age, I moved houses. 19 times and I am 42. Packing, unpacking, painting, giving, selling, throwing, bringing chocolates to the neighborood, I know how to do it… With all those moves, I lost contact with many people I considered my friends. Looking back, there is a logic to that. You have to live close to the people you love to nurture friendship. The French say "loin des yeux, loin du coeur," meaning "out of sight, out of mind," though it's not always the case. Nonetheless, moving prompts a natural selection, whether intentional or not, conscious or subconscious. Some friends stay put, others move on, some friendships endure, others fade. It's a part of life, a lesson learned over time. It's about cycles, something we all experience, particularly when we change locations.
The power of friendship
But what makes a good life? Good relationships. It’s not me saying that but a fascinating 85-year long research project led by Robert Waldinger and his team at Harvard Study of Adult Development. They came up with one key takeaway: "good relationships were the strongest predictor of who was going to be happy and healthy as they grew old".
Same conclusion in the The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware, a reflective and heartfelt exploration of the lessons learned from those nearing the end of their lives. Among these regrets, the loss of meaningful friendships stands out: many people regret not staying in touch with friends who once brought joy and connection to their lives. In the rush of daily responsibilities, they let these relationships fade, only to realize too late the profound value of those bonds. Something I’ll make sure to remember for next year and the years to come.
“Home, hold on, if love is the answer, you’re home”
