5 things I learnt living abroad 1/3 of my life

I know nothing… or so little…I don't have any magic secret to share, I don't believe that because I say something, everybody will experience those things the same way. And it’s all right !

I feel good claiming that statement first because when I decided to write this article, I thought I would be a fraud (Imposteur syndrom my dear friend, you are back!!). Why? for so many reasons: I never lived elsewhere than in Europe, I never faced huge financial issues, I'm not necesarly an adventurer, I'm more of an introvert and although I'm curious, I could definitely do better. And that list can go on and on and on…

And then I decided to write the below text, something personal, just trying to be honest with myself and reflecting on those years abroad and what I learnt.

As my Bio says, I don’t necesarily feel affiliated to one country although I am a french citizen and I grew up there, I watched many TV programmes during my childhood, I’m passionated about movies in general and France is lucky to have many good ones and a lot of money to make them ;-), I have friends and family living in France. So I feel socially and culturally affiliated to France, yes.

On the other side, I was born in Greece, I was lucky enough to study abroad (2.5 years, mainly in Spain) and worked and lived long periods of time in the UK, Belgium, Switzerland and I’m now living in Germany since 4 years. All in all, that’s almost 15 years of my life and I’m 41 years old. What’s interesting as well is that I lived in big cities like Paris and Madrid, medium size like Geneva, small towns like Boston (UK ;-), my current town in Germany and for many years, in a remote hamlet in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by nature in french haute-savoie. I speak 4 languages and I hope to learn at least 1 or 2 languages before my brain tells me to stop. That’s it for numbers and context.

#1 - I am lucky… and I know it

A friend of mine here in Germany came a few years ago as a refugee from DRC. More than 10 years ago, he became a “designated ennemy of the state” by denouncing corruption in his country. He was put in jail for that, tortured and then threatened, persecuted, him and his family, for years. He decided to leave everything (3 kids of 3, 10 and 14 at the time, his wife, his life, his land). He did what many people do: hope for a better life somewhere else, hope for a better future for his kids. He went to several refugee camps in India, Afganistan, Turkey, Greece. He crossed the meditarean sea with a boat like so many others do and got arrested on a bus in Germany (on his way to Sweden, where he ultimately wanted to go) and that was the end of his trip.

He then spend more than 1 year on a refugee camp in northern Germany where he waited until his residency permit to be regularised. He then spent 6 months with a host family. Then his family finally came so they could reunite and they were able all together to move to a flat. He hadn’t seen his kids for 3 years (half of his little one’s life…).

We met during german classes when he was still in camp. We became good friends since then.

That’s the first learning for me. I’m extremely lucky to have had those opportunities to travel freely, without any financial pressure or risks for my life. And lucky is the right word as there is nothing I did particularly to deserve this “special treatment” more than someone else. I’m just borned on the right side of the world.

This experience “woke” me up as well at a time I needed it. Although we do have have our “rich” problems like depression, burnout and stress generated from this world of consumerism and performance, it’s also good to remember that we as a society created those problems and that we can have an impact (and a responsability) to fix them. Others don’t have the same problems and the only things they can hope for is to find a better future somewhere else than in their proper decimated country from war, dictatorship, humanitarian disaster and often all 3 at the same time today.

Travelling but more importantly living abroad makes you conscious of how priviledge you are in so many situations: in finding a job, making new friends, integrating to the culture, learning a new language, etc. Of course it is difficult but it’s your choice and you are usually welcome and treated with compassion most of the times. This makes quite a big difference.

#2- You give a lot, you receive a lot

The first analogy that comes to mind when you relocate to a new country and the first months is an away game of football or basketball. You’re not particularly welcome, nobody waits for you, you feel the pressure of having to settle, integrate, feel good and… not regretting your choice.

Don’t get me wrong, not that moving to a new country necesarly represents a hostile environment. I had this image more in the sense of not feeling at home, not being in your comfort zone.

And being in that spot multiple times and in different context made me realize that you don’t have other choices but to “give”, taking the first step, get vulnerable over and over again. I certainly became more curious in trying to understand what people were telling me, in creating new friendship and every steps of settling down into a new life. It’s painful sometimes, and very often quite exhausting, emotionally and physically. But also very rewarding and fun.

#3 - Perfection and certitudes don’t exist

I remember an important conversation with my brother on the train 1 year before moving to Germany. I told him that my plan was to relocate there within the next months without a job, without speaking german and that I was planning to handle my resignation from a well paid job and highly respected international organization in Geneva once my wife would secure a job in Germany, of course less well paid given the salary gap between the 2 countries.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” is the first question he asked. Of course he knew as well that my wife comes from Germany, that we had 2 young daughters at the time and they would beneficiate a lot from the 2 cultures and having lived in “their” 2 countries, etc, etc. But still, it was a risky move, especially for me in that situation.

Bottom line is: we were not sure everything would work out well but, deep inside me, I wanted to do this. And yes it was difficult, especially the first year and it is still today far from being perfect, but nothing is perfect. And that is the key thing to remember if you want to relocate to a new country and get out of your comfort zone. Nothing is perfect and will never be, you can’t control everything and you have to trust your instinct and feelings when it comes to making big decisions like the one of moving to another country.

#4 - Connect emotions to words

I wrote last year an article about learning languages as an adult. A good friend of mine who had to learn spanish in 3 months (A0 to C1) for a new job commented my article sharing his experience and what he did:

- Grammar: understand the logic behind vs learning by heart;
- Turn all my interaction into the language: reading news, watching youtube, phone settings, etc;
- Learn songs and sing them aloud to connect emotions to words;
- Force myself to only speak and think in Spanish, even if it meant nothing. I tried to fall asleep putting Spanish words to my thinking, same thing with my first thoughts of the morning.

Looking back at my own experience, those are extremely valuable advices. The one that resonates with me the most is: “connect emotions to words”. And this as almost nothing to do with learning a language. It is more about paying attention, listening, feeling the emotions, being compassionate, being opened to a new culture, etc. The combination of learning and paying attention to emotions is essential in that context.

#5 Less clichés, more open mindedness

It sounds “cliché” to say that but it’s true ;-): the more we live in different countries, the less we pay attention to stereotypes. Coming back to the “nothing is perfect”, it applies to every country you live in. With a bit more years of experience now living abroad and maturity, I find myself more trying to focus on what’s best in every place rather than trying to criticize what’s not working or why people are annoying and not doing exactly the same things as I learnt during my years in France for example.

Talking about childhood, if you have kids, it’s good for them too. To understand that everything is pretty much a question of perspective, that nobody is necesarly right or wrong and being able to understand someone else’s view. Living in different countries as a child helps making progress in learning those important attributes.